Bad news is here to stay. If you don’t believe it, check out country music lyrics. If you don’t believe it, check out the subject lines of your emails and the teaser headlines of political news web sites. Some of the more trite ones are: “You Won’t Believe This;” “Now This Is Scary;” “Shocking Video Blows Lid Off;” ETC. Thankfully, eighty percent of Americans don’t tune in to the gloom and doom chatter. They’re too busy living hour to hour, day to day, making ends meet, moving from pillar to post, looking out for No.1. And who can blame them? They couldn’t care less about Brexit, even if they understand what the word means. Beheading, rape and massacre happen to other people. No skin off their noses if the U. S. military wants to concentrate more on admitting Transgenders into its foxholes than blowing ISIS out of theirs. The National Debt is just a number; health insurance is just a racket, no matter who’s handling it; the economy always stinks, all politicians always lie and the biggest liar of them all gets to run for President. When the time comes to vote, if they have nothing better to do, they pull the lever of whatever party promises the most freebies. But you can lump all the bad news together — worldwide bad news, mind you — and it doesn’t come close to the magnitude of the true crisis that threatens to undermine the very existence of life itself — Erectile Dysfunction. Indiscriminately and relentlessly, ED has swept the country, apparently visiting every household, old, young, rich, poor, black and white alike. The extent of the ED menace can’t be overestimated. The pharmaceutical industry, deeply concerned and sympathetic to the agonizing plight of tens of millions of stricken males, has generously stepped to the plate with phosphodiesterase inhibitors (PDE-5). Just two companies alone invest annually over half a billion dollars in advertising that provides ED awareness and a much needed lift. Unidentified sources now confirm that new research is underway that suggests ED may not be an innate physiological or psychological affliction, but the result of a new virus that may be transmitted through the most innocent human contact. That’s the bad news. The good news is that ED is not caused (ironically) by STD. Already being called a “21st century plague,” ED may be triggered by a “fossilized” retrovirus — left over from the infection of distant ancestors. Reputable rumor has it that clinical trials now have confirmed a condition that may contribute to the severity of ED cases — a condition that has been diagnosed as PTSD — Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The good news is scientists are attempting to isolate a “super gene” that seems to give certain males absolute immunity to the ED virus. Allegedly, they have identified vigorously immune candidates to volunteer for double blind studies — among them, serial rapists, porn actors and a former U.S.President. Blind studies will also determine if there’s a link between ED and IQ. The good news is, except in cases of PDE-5 overdose, ED has not been shown to induce premature death. But health experts predict the disease could have a debilitating domino effect on the fabric of human intercourse, and thus, on the future of civilization itself. In an extraordinarily contentious election year, the political establishment and the news media are completely oblivious to the ED calamity, and the plight of men who are forced to limp through life. Instead, they remain obsessed with scandal, corruption, terrorism, economic ruin, illegal immigration — and a hopelessly divided nation. Obama continues to sit on a throne. The Supreme Court continues to serve as his administrative assistant. Congress is out to lunch. Hillary walks. And Comey and his FBI colleagues collapse like a cheap tent. The good news — ED sufferers do have Viagra. The bad news — no drug can save America from toxic impotence and corruption.
