Suddenly, life has become much easier. Various governmental bodies are taking action to prevent ordinary people from hurting themselves, or from doing bad things. The Federal Government has torpedoed tobacco companies, and a bunch of attorneys, former smokers and state governments are getting rich from litigation. Thank goodness people are forced to wear seat belts because, left alone, they would fail to do so. That shouldn’t be allowed. Cameras at intersections are nailing people who run red lights, protecting law-abiding drivers and once again saving us from ourselves. The food industry is next on the hit list for manufacturing fat-rich products, and rightly so. Alcoholic beverages are still off limits since politicians can’t be denied their medicinal sustenance. All in all, Government at all levels is intervening where God has failed. God has always had a reputation for giving people good advice, but allowing them free will, to succeed or fail, to suffer great fortune or extreme ruin. But God mistakenly has created all men unequally. He* literally stands aside and lets people make bad decisions and expects them to take responsibility for their actions. Thank goodness Government has stepped in to set things straight, to watch over us and even-out the playing field. God is okay as a figurehead, but He obviously hasn’t had a new idea in a long time. Let’s face it—in His day, He never heard of second-hand smoke.

* In the interest of journalistic simplicity, the author has chosen the masculine pronoun for God. In no way does this decision discount other views of God’s gender or lack of it altogether.

We’ve got the God thing all wrong. No other explanation makes sense. To be fair, recorded history proves that human beings have had quite a long time to sort things out. We can’t say we’ve been in the dark, can we? We can’t say we haven’t had the chance to see what works and what doesn’t. We can’t blame our silly behavior on not knowing the score. Like Martha Stewart, we know everything. We know everything and have everything we possibly could want. We have dominion over the earth. But having it, we nonetheless are hell bent to repeat the same tired mistakes — from individual to individual, family to family, race to race, nation to nation, era to era. Wouldn’t you agree that our dismal human performance defies all logic? Yes indeed. Until you grasp a staggering, perhaps scurrilous supposition. God isn’t perfect. There. It’s said. What a relief. If you had uttered those words before the 20th century, you would have been hanged or beheaded (if you were lucky). But now you can stop beating yourself up. Now you can get off that guilt trip because you will never measure up. Consider this — you were made in His Image. Unquestionably, image must represent a lot more than simple physical appearance. If this conclusion is valid, and why wouldn’t it be, you are much closer to God than you think. Then consider something else. He may not be alone. He may be one of hundreds, or thousands or millions of other Deity. Maybe, beyond human comprehension, there exists a massive God–filled dimension. Maybe our Master is COO of Earth Properties. Maybe those we call Pagans had it right all along. They appealed to reason, searching for clues to their own absurd conduct. They envisioned Gods at war, Gods competing with Each Other. Gods struggling with Their own cans of worms. Jealous Gods, permissive Gods, heroic Gods, mean Gods, proud Gods, stuffy Gods. This theory, banished as heresy, suddenly gets us off the schnide. We suddenly understand why and how the material world has changed, but the human race has remained immaculately static. Despite every advance in science and technology, despite every material achievement, human behavior has remained irrevocably fixed. Stuck in time. From day one. We delude ourselves into believing that, unlike the rest of earth’s creatures that are manipulated by instinct, we alone possess cognitive powers to choose, improve and regulate our behavior. What unmitigated bunk. We are no more in control of life’s equation than the lowliest slug burrowing in the dark, wet mire. We behave as we do because, like salmon that swim upstream against all odds to lay their eggs, we simply cannot behave in any other way. We are predestined — genetically engineered to act out our little lives as direct descendants of the God that created us. We are as predictable as the movement of the heavens, as constant as the tides, as infallible as gravity itself. Logically, therefore, it must be true that we mimic the One who made us. So He’s not perfect. So He made a few mistakes. It’s not the end of the world. And, anyway, no other explanation makes sense in a nonsensical world.

Among all things above and below the sea, the lowest form of life would have to be The Human. No other specie is so despicable in so many ways. We are so thoroughly flawed that we are compelled to build great cathedrals where we gather to confess our worthlessness. We didn’t ask to be contemptible. We didn’t ask to commit unspeakable acts, to lie, murder, rape, steal and cheat. These are just things we humans tend to do, like scarfing donuts or watching TV soaps. It’s not that we don’t try to do better. Ted Bundy said that most of the time he was a pretty nice guy. He just had occasional lapses. No telling how many great things the Fannie and Freddie bigwigs did for their communities as they simultaneously destroyed the life savings of millions. So it goes. It’s just being human. It’s what we do. Do for others and do a little cocaine. Give and take. Nobody’s perfect. Who among us dares pass judgment? If by chance you have doubt about human vileness, witness those of us who litter—the millions of humans who willy-nilly toss garbage on public and private property. Above all other crimes, littering proves that humans reside at the bottom of the food chain. Occupying the lowest link of that chain would have to be the cigarette litterbugs. With premeditation and contempt for others, they toss billions of butts on roadways, sidewalks, golf courses, parks—everywhere and anywhere. Who are these slobs? None other than our friends and neighbors, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters and grandmas. If the human being could evolve to a non-littering state, perhaps we would move up a notch among the millions of other organisms; say, just above the millipede. Then we might have a leg to stand on. Yet, standing up is uniquely human. From pole to pole, we risk everything in defense of our fellow man. While the millipede slithers along oblivious to the suffering of the centipede, valiant people quietly and heroically reach across cities and continents to touch souls they will never even know. They leap into burning buildings. They plunge into raging rivers. Forsaking all that is precious, they give “their last full measure of devotion” in the name of humanity. Who are these people? Why, none other than a pack of liars, cheaters and litterbugs. Who can figure? God only knows.