History proves that men need to kill. Sorry if that blanket statement offends anyone. It’s in the genes, you see. Think about modern hunters. Millions of men venture into the great outdoors for the expressed purpose of sneaking up on defenseless beasts and killing them for sport. Often they don’t have to sneak or stalk. Weapons technology turns a mile into a few yards. But that’s not the point because hunting does take skill. The question is: why? Do men need the food? Are they such avid environmentalists, they feel compelled to thin out the population for the good of the animal kingdom? These excuses for killing camouflage the truth. Men simply want to kill things. It’s in man’s nature to actually enjoy killing. In fact, killing something is the ultimate achievement. It’s certainly more satisfying than sacking the quarterback, smashing a serve or pummeling the heavyweight champ. Sport, especially violent sport, is simply a way for civilized men to slake their hunger for the real thing. In remote societies, killing humans is a mark of distinction. Imagine these earthly neighbors proudly displaying skulls and other body parts. “Wow, Joe, that’s a magnificant specimen. You ought to be real proud.” “Better believe it, Jack. I tracked him for three days and nailed him from 30 yards with a #2 dumdum dart.” This scenario is not unlike that of “civilized” men who, cocktails in hand, gather round majestic heads poking out of rich paneled walls. Thankfully, serial killers operate alone. Unlike the rest of us, their natural killing instinct goes ungoverned and can’t be satisfied with the simple slaughter of dumb beasts. They don’t kill to live. They live to kill. They don’t work long distance, but up close and personal. They aren’t interested in the massacre of many, but the conquest of one… by one… by one. At the moment of truth, they feel euphoria, relief and power. Wonder what it feels like? Look through the cross-hairs, squeeze the trigger and feel elation as the elk staggers drunkenly and collapses. See the thrashing of a graceful mallard as it plummets to the earth. Feels good, admit it. Satisfies a genetic primordial urge. Now, just imagine what it must have been like for the Bundys, Dahmers and Gaceys. Sheer ecstasy. Ahh, the human race.

Well, not everything. Nobody shops taverns to find a Coors Light for 25% off. You don’t expect it. You just order the brew and pay the tab. Same is true for a lot of goods and services. Go to the doctor, see your attorney, call a plumber or electrician. Then pay the bill, whatever it is, because that’s what it is. You may resent it, but you don’t shop around for a sale on these things because they don’t exist. The power company doesn’t have a sale on electricity. Ever. But nearly everything else out there is marked down, cut, slashed, shaved and trimmed. Why is that? Because getting something for less or for nothing appeals to one of our most basic instincts: greed. Everybody wants a deal. Paying full price is cause for depression and loss of self esteem. We don’t even care that List Prices are inflated to begin with. We still play the game. The discount boys have taken sales to a new level by persuading consumers that everything is always on sale, trusting that we’ll behave like cattle and stampede to the water hole. Which we do without a moment’s hesitation. It might be interesting for someone to open a retail chain called “Never On Sale” where merchandise is always priced fairly, where service is exemplary, where people who work there do well enough to have careers and where the stores make a profit. In fact, what would happen if nothing were ever on sale, per se? Why, sellers would have to come up with other ways to compete and attract customers—things other than price. My, my, this might lead to face-to-face negotiating, where salespeople actually talk with customers, learning what they need and steering them in the right direction.

Life’s great. Where else but here can you be totally free to make your own choices but if those choices are misguided or even stupid, you can reap big rewards? Take smoking cigarettes. Individuals sue tobacco companies. Families sue tobacco companies. Groups of people, associations and institutions storm the courthouse steps. And, get this, entire States are trying to huff and puff until they blow the big, bad smoke houses down (of course, not until they collect). You agree it’s about time these monsters were put out of business forever. You know people made the choice to smoke, and sure, they probably knew sucking fumes into their bodies wasn’t healthy; in fact, somebody probably advised them against it or they guessed it after they started coughing or were short of breath; but they couldn’t be sure it was bad, or God forbid, that smoking could actually kill. It’s not their fault. Not really. It’s the companies’ fault for making a product that gives pleasure and that you can use for 20 or 30 years before something bad happens. They should pay. And come to think of it, everyone connected with those companies should be forced to pay. Everyone. The workers, the stockholders, the farmers, ad agencies, sign companies. Everyone. They shouldn’t escape responsibility for their roles in preying on innocent consumers who wanted to do the right thing but couldn’t resist the hypnotic power of tobacco. And come to think of it, we should go after all the food conglomerates, red meat growers and dairies who peddle tons of fat that clog arteries and cause heart disease and untold misery. And come to think of it, distilleries are getting away with murder. We should drag them all to court to face the families and pay damages for broken homes, broken bodies, millions of cases of cirrhosis, and DUI fatalities. And come to think of it, the automobile and truck manufacturers are directly responsible for 50,000 deaths and millions of crippling injuries every single year. They deliberately make vehicles that can travel at excessive speeds. They design audio systems, moon roofs and other pleasure options that encourage people to spend excessive time behind the wheel, subject to disaster. These marketing schemes deserve nothing less than the most contentious litigation. It’s about time people struck back at companies that tempt them, coax them and sell them products that are hazardous to their health. We can only be so responsible for our own actions. That’s why you must hire an attorney tomorrow to seek a judgment against those jumping night spots you frequented in your 20’s and 30’s. That second-hand smoke was criminal.