In advertising you see celebrities at every turn. If you have enough bucks, sticking TW on a cereal box is a no-brainer. A celebrity is a godsend to an agency struggling for a way to differentiate a client. How creative do you have to be to drape Marie Sharapova on a billboard? Much of the time, the celebrity strategy works, especially on the big stage and especially if the icon is vocationally connected to what he/she is hawking. The deal can work even if there is no connection. Morgan Freeman is no more qualified to represent Visa than Miss America is to promote upholstered furniture. But they get the job done because they have FAME. Amazing, isn’t it? Famous people have credibility. If they can act in movies, dunk basketballs, write songs or smash golf balls 400 yards, they are miraculously Endowed beyond their specific talents. Suddenly they are Annointed and begin appearing on talk shows. CNN reports what Julia Roberts thinks as being worthy of news, for pete’s sake. Bottom line: people believe actors and athletes are smarter and sharper than parents and teachers. Their opinions carry greater weight somehow. It’s always been this way. Anyway, if you can’t believe Priceline.com’s William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, who can you believe?

Here’s an idea mainstream newspapers can have for free. This idea will stimulate business, energize readership, improve education and help the Fourth Estate compete with television, radio and the internet. The idea: Choose Sides. Okay, okay, this will take some explanation. Legitimate newspapers pledge their devotion to the time-honored principles of journalism (they would say). They vow to be watchdogs in the public interest, to fearlessly and truthfully report the news (they would say). Except for the editorial pages, where opinion is allowed, objectivity is their lofty mantra (they would say). What they don’t say is, in practice, these claims are less than genuine. Newspapers have distinct political agendas and they manipulate headlines, stories, and placement of news—every day—to influence those who still bother to read. However, not wanting to appear biased, the manipulators are subtle, crafty, clever, devious. Let’s hear it for the good old days, as so brilliantly brought to life in W. Safire’s Scandalmonger. In the early years of this republic, newspapers were partisan. They chose sides and they waged war with each other. Nobody got sucked in by “objective news” because there wasn’t any. Newspaper owners laid it on the line and let their ideologies shine. It was an honest time, even when they printed lies. What fun it would be if advertisers today would support several newspapers in a single town, newspapers that could shamelessly and passionately take sides in politics and social issues. Who knows? Reading may become popular. Schools may benefit. And truth just might see the light of day.

Turn out the lights. Arguably the most negative influence in the advance of civilization, television has descended to the final abyss. When the tube insisted on dishing up vacuous sitcoms, we could always find a useful shopping channel. When moronic talk shows proved human beings are inferior to African wildlife, the remote miraculously could discover an entertaining liver transplant. When the prattle of pundits provoked thoughts of suicide options, a live sports event would show up in the nick of time. But now all is lost. Bugs Bunny is a spokesperson for Time Warner products. Bugs, Elmer, Tweety, Daffy—even the purest villain that every lived—Yosemite Sam—all have been conscripted to step out of their world and prove they aren’t real. If anyone had doubts about the natural Depravity of Man and the concept of Original Sin, behold the greedy money barons at Warner. Lacking an atom of creativity, they have robbed generations past of their memories and denied those yet unborn of what was always magic. The time has come for Wile E. Coyote to successfully ambush that idiotic bird and rid the earth of that infernal honking. Truth be known, kids want to see the bird go down anyway. Let’s hear it for Wile E. And try to remember when Bugs was Bugs. He always did it his way.