Well, not everything. Nobody shops taverns to find a Coors Light for 25% off. You don’t expect it. You just order the brew and pay the tab. Same is true for a lot of goods and services. Go to the doctor, see your attorney, call a plumber or electrician. Then pay the bill, whatever it is, because that’s what it is. You may resent it, but you don’t shop around for a sale on these things because they don’t exist. The power company doesn’t have a sale on electricity. Ever. But nearly everything else out there is marked down, cut, slashed, shaved and trimmed. Why is that? Because getting something for less or for nothing appeals to one of our most basic instincts: greed. Everybody wants a deal. Paying full price is cause for depression and loss of self esteem. We don’t even care that List Prices are inflated to begin with. We still play the game. The discount boys have taken sales to a new level by persuading consumers that everything is always on sale, trusting that we’ll behave like cattle and stampede to the water hole. Which we do without a moment’s hesitation. It might be interesting for someone to open a retail chain called “Never On Sale” where merchandise is always priced fairly, where service is exemplary, where people who work there do well enough to have careers and where the stores make a profit. In fact, what would happen if nothing were ever on sale, per se? Why, sellers would have to come up with other ways to compete and attract customers—things other than price. My, my, this might lead to face-to-face negotiating, where salespeople actually talk with customers, learning what they need and steering them in the right direction.

Life’s great. Where else but here can you be totally free to make your own choices but if those choices are misguided or even stupid, you can reap big rewards? Take smoking cigarettes. Individuals sue tobacco companies. Families sue tobacco companies. Groups of people, associations and institutions storm the courthouse steps. And, get this, entire States are trying to huff and puff until they blow the big, bad smoke houses down (of course, not until they collect). You agree it’s about time these monsters were put out of business forever. You know people made the choice to smoke, and sure, they probably knew sucking fumes into their bodies wasn’t healthy; in fact, somebody probably advised them against it or they guessed it after they started coughing or were short of breath; but they couldn’t be sure it was bad, or God forbid, that smoking could actually kill. It’s not their fault. Not really. It’s the companies’ fault for making a product that gives pleasure and that you can use for 20 or 30 years before something bad happens. They should pay. And come to think of it, everyone connected with those companies should be forced to pay. Everyone. The workers, the stockholders, the farmers, ad agencies, sign companies. Everyone. They shouldn’t escape responsibility for their roles in preying on innocent consumers who wanted to do the right thing but couldn’t resist the hypnotic power of tobacco. And come to think of it, we should go after all the food conglomerates, red meat growers and dairies who peddle tons of fat that clog arteries and cause heart disease and untold misery. And come to think of it, distilleries are getting away with murder. We should drag them all to court to face the families and pay damages for broken homes, broken bodies, millions of cases of cirrhosis, and DUI fatalities. And come to think of it, the automobile and truck manufacturers are directly responsible for 50,000 deaths and millions of crippling injuries every single year. They deliberately make vehicles that can travel at excessive speeds. They design audio systems, moon roofs and other pleasure options that encourage people to spend excessive time behind the wheel, subject to disaster. These marketing schemes deserve nothing less than the most contentious litigation. It’s about time people struck back at companies that tempt them, coax them and sell them products that are hazardous to their health. We can only be so responsible for our own actions. That’s why you must hire an attorney tomorrow to seek a judgment against those jumping night spots you frequented in your 20’s and 30’s. That second-hand smoke was criminal.

The 20th Century officially ended the last day of 2000 at midnight, give or take a second. Between then and now, the hype has been deafening. By now, we have rated the 100 Greatest Used Car Salesmen, Greatest Evangelists, Greatest Love Songs, Greatest Movies and Greatest Liars (no contest here) to go along with the never-ending Greatest Athlete of the Century. Give His Airness a world of credit as a phenom. The Babe was incomparable. The only thing common about Jim Brown was his name. They were great, all. But they were great on TEAMS. Sorry, their accomplishments can’t be isolated from the contributions of their world-class teammates. What they did depended on others’ failures and successes. By definition, the greatest athletes work alone. Any world class rock climber ranks higher than the myriad of commercial superstars. Any decathlon champion belongs way ahead of them. Winners of the Iditerod (lead dogs, not drivers) are in a league of their own. Mildred “Babe” Zaharias was an Olympic, tennis and golf champion who founded the LPGA before she died at 45. Can shooting, jumping and dunking compare? For sheer athletic prowess, any number of Hollywood stunt men put the runners, dunkers and hitters to shame. In reality, rankings are a disservice to true athletes and only serve as a gimmick by which ESPN and Sports Illustrated and other media organizations can build advertising revenues. Anyway, years ago a famous boxer repeatedly announced to the world that he was the greatest. That settles it.