Some scholars make a living in top-secret labs studying the unexplainable. They delve into paranormal events, into bizarre behaviors, into supernatural phenomena. They conduct experiments to shed light in a world of dark imaginings. For the rest of us mortals, if we’re interested in the realms of abnormality and aberration, all we need do is pick up a newspaper and read about the airline industry. There, in plain sight, we find verifiable lunacy, alive and well and walking among us, like The Shining’s Jack Torrance, staggering the corridors of The Overlook, muttering gibberish. But at least Torrance was genuinely possessed and clinically insane. Can an entire industry suffer from dementia? Can a global business be subject to mass psychosis? Evidently. What other explanation can there be for such deviance, such absurdity. Witness the insanity. Every flight going to every destination is chock full. Like migratory flocks, travelers swoop into airports to feed and fly to all manner of destinations, grateful for a place to buckle up. 767 to Honolulu. Full. Shuttle to Buffalo. Full. 777 to Hong Kong. Full. Pick a flight, any flight — say, to the Mongolian capital of Ulaanbaatar. Yep, full up. You get the picture. Sure you do. Because you see it first-hand every time you queue up through airport security and finally wedge yourself into 23E. Why then, you ask yourself, is the industry going to rot? When did bankruptcy become a fad? Isn’t a sold-out plane good for business? What’s missing in our friendly skies? Being of sound mind and skilled in 5th grade arithmetic, you boldly deduce that US Despair is losing more money than it makes. If this assertion is true, why, it must mean one of two things. Either the price to fly is too low or the cost of flying is too high. It must be the cost, you surmise brilliantly. You consider the obscenely posh amenities like deluxe pretzels, plush pillows and state-of-the-art plastic cups. Another culprit could be the backlog of frequent flyer bonus miles finally come home to roost. That must be it — nobody pays to fly. Or the crisis could have something to do with flight crews working three-day weeks for full weeks’ pay. But that’s not all, is it? You can’t ignore skyrocketing fuel costs, impossible weather events and union walkouts. Let’s face it. Costs are rising faster than a Levitra-induced erection. The industry’s cure for this rampant growth in overhead? Cut fares across the board. Cut the Saturday night requirement. Create even greater demand for aircraft already clogged with humans who impersonate cattle very well, thank you. Sell it for less and less and lose more and more income. Has the word “schizoid” crossed anyone’s mind yet? Or to put it more gently, as Andy Dufresne put it to Warden Samuel Norton, “How can you be so obtuse?” The question sits there, begging for attention. And then your light finally comes on. During bankruptcy protection, plenty of people make plenty of money. Bankruptcy is, after all, a strategy, not insanity. Bankruptcy is polite larceny. Certain people get rich; others get raped. Bailed out by Uncle Sam, the industry will make like Gladys Knight and “keep on keepin’ on.” It has to. Sure, some people get screwed. Thousands of stockholders, suppliers and employees get the shaft. Meanwhile, undaunted by insolvency, the industry plans to roll out new aircraft that hold twice the number of passengers as ever before. Now you can take your place among the 500 souls that will fit into a single jetliner . . . uh, that is, if you can wangle yourself a seat.

In advertising you see celebrities at every turn. If you have enough bucks, sticking TW on a cereal box is a no-brainer. A celebrity is a godsend to an agency struggling for a way to differentiate a client. How creative do you have to be to drape Marie Sharapova on a billboard? Much of the time, the celebrity strategy works, especially on the big stage and especially if the icon is vocationally connected to what he/she is hawking. The deal can work even if there is no connection. Morgan Freeman is no more qualified to represent Visa than Miss America is to promote upholstered furniture. But they get the job done because they have FAME. Amazing, isn’t it? Famous people have credibility. If they can act in movies, dunk basketballs, write songs or smash golf balls 400 yards, they are miraculously Endowed beyond their specific talents. Suddenly they are Annointed and begin appearing on talk shows. CNN reports what Julia Roberts thinks as being worthy of news, for pete’s sake. Bottom line: people believe actors and athletes are smarter and sharper than parents and teachers. Their opinions carry greater weight somehow. It’s always been this way. Anyway, if you can’t believe Priceline.com’s William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, who can you believe?

Here’s an idea mainstream newspapers can have for free. This idea will stimulate business, energize readership, improve education and help the Fourth Estate compete with television, radio and the internet. The idea: Choose Sides. Okay, okay, this will take some explanation. Legitimate newspapers pledge their devotion to the time-honored principles of journalism (they would say). They vow to be watchdogs in the public interest, to fearlessly and truthfully report the news (they would say). Except for the editorial pages, where opinion is allowed, objectivity is their lofty mantra (they would say). What they don’t say is, in practice, these claims are less than genuine. Newspapers have distinct political agendas and they manipulate headlines, stories, and placement of news—every day—to influence those who still bother to read. However, not wanting to appear biased, the manipulators are subtle, crafty, clever, devious. Let’s hear it for the good old days, as so brilliantly brought to life in W. Safire’s Scandalmonger. In the early years of this republic, newspapers were partisan. They chose sides and they waged war with each other. Nobody got sucked in by “objective news” because there wasn’t any. Newspaper owners laid it on the line and let their ideologies shine. It was an honest time, even when they printed lies. What fun it would be if advertisers today would support several newspapers in a single town, newspapers that could shamelessly and passionately take sides in politics and social issues. Who knows? Reading may become popular. Schools may benefit. And truth just might see the light of day.