If you survive long enough, getting old is life’s ultimate joke. Optimists and other cheery souls will be quick to disagree with this cynical view. They will cite a myriad of scintillating benefits that accompany the “golden” years. Hmmm, what could those be? Senior citizen discounts at I-Hop have to rank at the top. The courtesy parking slot at the mall comes in handy. Think about the hundreds of state and federal agencies devoted to the Aging. What a relief it is to have AARP, Medicare and Medicaid in your corner. Is anything more rewarding than reliving your youth babysitting with the grandchildren? And never forget the warm, secure feeling of knowing that a “retirement country club” is out there somewhere waiting for you to eventually check in, cozy up to the buffet and wait for God. Where’s the Glock, Matilda? In reality, getting old is recoiling in shock when the bored I-Hop waitress takes one look at your sagging face, assumes you’re stone deaf and yells at you. Getting old is being called a “dirty old man” for overtly lusting after a tight tush. Getting old is being portrayed on TV commercials as feeble imbeciles — addle-brained geriatrics cavorting and cackling like juvenile loonies. You begin to get the picture when you realize you’re no better than an old car — every day something else breaks and you have to fix it to keep it running. To make matters worse, you begin to accept the idea that you’ve done your duty and now you’ve earned the right to be utterly useless. You make leisure the centerpiece of your life, as if having no purpose were an achievement. Listen up, old people. Here’s a free idea that can bring meaning to your life and simultaneously transform society.. Everyone over the age of 60 — men and women alike — should comprise the combat-ready Armed Forces. That’s right, old people should fight our wars. No one under the age of 60 would be allowed on the field of battle. Young people need to be at home, with a chance to live their lives, work, have babies and build a better society. Meanwhile, old people suddenly have something useful to do. They suddenly have purpose. They suddenly discover a way to die with dignity and honor, instead of wasting away in suffocating institutions. With this idea, social security becomes a non-issue and the massive tax outlay for the aging society disappears. Children will get their inheritances sooner, enabling them to strengthen their families and build even more wealth. And when these generations reach the age of 60, they automatically leave the private sector for mandatory duty in the military. Old people can fight. Millions upon millions of them are physically-fit enough to learn anything, fly anything, drive anything and shoot anything. If life has to be a joke, let’s have the last laugh by going out in a blaze of glory.

John said he sees two Americas. His sidekick agreed with him. Of course, his opponents attacked him for dividing the nation. But of all the rhetoric blowing out of all the political camps, you have to say Mr. Kerry nailed The Truth. Even though his motive was to spread malignant unrest for personal ambition, give the man credit. He unwittingly confirmed a reality—America is a nation of people sharply divided, more divided than at any time in the Republic’s history, including the Civil War. What? Are you nuts? Maybe. That’s not the point. Slavery and state’s rights issues drove a political wedge between the North and South. But the men in gray and blue who fought in the trenches were cut out of the same cloth. They fought over specific pragmatic principles yet shared common values. Today’s Americans are also split into two camps, but the breach between them can never be reconciled. There is no common ground. Facing that fact, we should agree to the creation of two Americas—say, the United Socialist Republic of America and the United Capitalist Republic of America. It’s a simple concept. Each State would vote to join the Republic for which it stands. Very likely, one Republic would be composed of more States than the other. Not to worry. The two Republics would not require that the country be split in half geographically. State boundaries would remain fixed, as they are today. Each Republic would be free to retain the Founding Father’s vision, or change it. With this brilliant plan, the millions of Americans (primarily Democrats) who continually press for a Socialist government can finally realize their aims and way of life under greater centralized control. The Capitalist Republic (primarily Republicans) will give up almost all authority to member States, thrilling millions who simply want government out of their lives. The plan does have a flaw — the rather massive relocation of people who would be opposed to their State’s choice. On the bright side, however, these crossover migrations could spark the economies of both Republics. This would not be hard to do. The infrastructure is already in place. Digital technology can easily transfer citizen records to their respective Republics. And off we go. Oh, there’s one other thing. The States would have to get a handle on immigration issues. We wouldn’t want one Republic to become overcrowded, now, would we?

Well, well, well. More than a few pundits have agreed with Fodder that we are a nation deeply, steeply divided. It took them long enough to figure it out. Maybe they got the message when one of the eminent spokespersons on the losing side blurted the “S” word. His anguished tirade on national media went something like this: “We’re the smartest, the brightest, the most enlightened and most creative; we produce most of the art and music; we do most of the work and we pay most of the taxes to make this country run. Something’s seriously wrong when a bunch of Bible toting, right wing fanatics let an ignorant cowboy hijack this country. We have no choice but SECESSION.” Hallelujah, brother! Now you know how the South felt in 1860. But perhaps what you don’t know is that millions of 2004 country bumpkins would gladly grant you a divorce. They would urge you to gather together all of your blue-hearted elite and establish a new United States conceived in socialism — a nation of the government, by the government and for the government. Of course, you would have to adjust for the immigration of millions of your superior followers now living in abject misery among us red-hearted rabble; and we in turn would be bound to accept the millions of Blue State morons whose ignorance would blend in very nicely with the mental deficiency of the Red States. Then again, why go to all this trouble? Secession isn’t necessary. All you have to do is take money off the political battlefield. Because, you see brethren, war is always about the money. If the Feds (and for that matter, states and cities) didn’t have your money to pass around, you wouldn’t be all that concerned whether you elected a cowboy or a gigolo or (heaven forbid) Slick Willie’s bride. Politics, like crime, is almost always about money. Whom you elect president or senator or congressman wouldn’t cause so much hate if it weren’t for the money. The abortion issue wouldn’t cause so much hate if it were a private matter. But, no, abortion rights advocates want government money — your money— camouflaged as taxes — to pay the tab. Hundreds of special interests, including small farmers and private corporations, want your money. Millions of American citizens want your money. Money they haven’t earned. They always vote for the politicians that give them your money. A seat in Congress is worth millions. A Federal job is cradle to the grave benefits. Isn’t this a good time to start over? Whether your loyalty is blue or red, just agree to keep your own money. Then we can all live together peacefully. Otherwise, now indeed may be a good time for the nation’s blue ruling class to secede under a new, blue banner. The rest of us — the dull-witted and miserly — will just have to make out somehow. Somehow.