The declarative sentence is dead. No, that’s not a true statement. Let’s be more precise. The spoken declarative sentence is gravely ill, the victim of continuous, mindless abuse. By all means, this “news” holds zero interest for people who couldn’t care less about language and those who don’t even know what a declarative sentence is — which is almost everybody under the age of 60. To be explicit, nearly every sentence is declarative. So far, every sentence on this page, including this one, is declarative — namely, simple, straightforward, definite, positive statements, not to be confused with sentences that are imperative, exclamatory or interrogative. To clarify further, statements do not equivocate. Unfortunately and exasperatingly for picky people who think the English language still deserves some respect, America is in the grip of an epidemic that has placed the declarative sentence on life support. The contagion appeared first on the Left Coast, where almost all language decay originates. The pestilence has a name. The name is “Uptalk.” You didn’t create the name and don’t know who did. Whoever did, nailed it. Nothing can be done about the epidemic. Almost certainly spawned  by female millennials, Uptalk could have been confined to local Valley Girl gabfests. But America wasn’t that lucky. The virus penetrated, then permeated broadcast media — media that reaches millions of viewers every minute of every day. Television and radio, already immersed in the process of dumbing down American culture, welcomed a new weapon to its shallow arsenal. You won’t hear Uptalk spoken in 20th century movies or with most product advertising. But you definitely get your fill listening to any conversation on any talk show. If you have the stomach for it, you hear political pundits, show biz celebs, sportscasters, interviewers, interviewees — hear them systematically make consecutive statements that end with an upward tone or inflection, essentially in the form of a question. These are people infected or addicted to the most annoying affectation of this new century. Uptalker “statements” leave this impression — “I’m not sure you agree with what I’m saying and I’m not even sure that what I’m saying has any merit. I’m not sure you’ll agree with me. I certainly don’t want to offend you by acting decisive or appearing dogmatic.” Psychology Professor Hank Davis says, “Uptalk is basically telling listeners you’re open to different viewpoints . . . to suggest that you’re willing to back down, or restate your point, or change your viewpoint altogether if your listeners don’t (promptly) nod their approval. It’s a nasty habit. . . the very opposite of confidence or assertiveness . . . (and) it’s out of control. . . even statements about which there should be no question or doubt are presented in this tentative, timid and deferential manner.” To make matters worse, the infection has spread to almost everyone you know. Only they don’t know it. So omnipresent is it that people who routinely “uptalk” are completely unaware — they have been “normalized” to adopt this pattern of speech, brainwashed to an extent that prevents them from hearing themselves or others. Since this epidemic is as virulent as the Bubonic Plague that killed millions in 14th century Europe, your complaints are a speck of dust in the wind. But at least you can protect yourself. Always use closed captioning with TV news and talk shows.  And avoid extended conversation with individuals under the age of 60. Get used to it. Uptalk isn’t going anywhere. And neither are you. If you badger people, you risk disapproval. If you avoid people, you risk alienation. So put aside your discontent and put up with the inevitable. Shouldn’t you just chill and accept Uptalk? By the way, that’s an interrogative sentence.