The Pajama Game

There are so many things wrong with the world, it’s hard to know where to begin. War, corruption, politicians, ignorance and pestilence occupy a lot of our attention, and deservedly so. But, quietly, almost insidiously, a far greater risk threatens our way of life. In magnificent stadiums all across the land, grown men are wearing pajama bottoms. Baseball — America’s Glorious Pastime — has become the haven for a bunch of sloppy, rumpled, bedraggled bush leaguers. With notable exceptions, baseball players suffer from arrested development, clinging to their T-Ball days, when Mommy and Daddy sat behind the schoolyard batting cages and cursed at the volunteer coaches and officials. Their sponsored uniforms often didn’t fit. The skinny kids ran around in sacks. Fat kids in what looked like spandex. But they loved them and wore them everywhere — often to bed. And if Mommy didn’t allow that sort of thing, why, she went out and bought jammies that looked just like them. Now, generations later, we have a storied game occupied by adult members of the Bad News Bears. Disturbingly, this is baseball. You might have expected other sports to dumb themselves down, and they have. But this is our “grand old game,” so steeped in its detailed lore, so exacting in its composition. Perhaps the Pajama Game is a sign of the times. Instead of inspiring their progeny to covet maturity and choose tasteful behavior, parents commit role reversal and behave more like adolescents every day. Male crotches, once located in the vicinity of the groin, now reside closer to the knees. Hairy butt cracks have become enchanting. Evidently, no one has clued-in 99% of women over 14, that an abdomen ain’t automatically sexy. You can add to this bad taste the growing array of piercings and tattoos, and begin to understand why God had issues with A&E. But all of this human decline pales in comparison to the shabby treatment of baseball by the likes of Clemens, Jeter, Bonds, A-Rod and a host of other superslobs. What a joy it was to see a true player — a throwback professional — one Alfonso Soriano — jack one out off Clemens in the recent All-Star game. He struck a blow, not just for himself, but for the sanctity of baseball. While this authentic baseball player trotted around the bases, he made his grown teammates look silly in their jammies.

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